Social anxiety - Difficulty understanding and following conversations.

I find that one of the main problems I have with Social anxiety at the moment, is following conversations. Keeping up with what's being said and then being able to contribute. I seem to have moments where I simply cannot digest what is being said and therefore am unable to take part in any meaningful way. I'm not sure if this is my attention span, if I'm simply to anxious to absorb what's being said, or if it's something else entirely.

A recent experience

Today at work, we went for a team lunch. We decided to go to a pub in the town center for a quick drink and some chicken. Strangely, I was actually looking forward to it... even though I had the usual pre social event jitters, worries & doubts. Somehow, to some extent, I'm able to switch my mind off to these worries now, where once they were all consuming.

A quick food picture to lighten up the post (yes, I ate all of that!):

This is partially down to two things, I believe. The first is that whenever I feel myself worrying or obsessing over the event, I make a conscious effort to not think about it. When an anxious thought pops into my mind, I simply halt that thought and think nothing more of it. It may sound like nothing, but it seems to work on some level – after some practice, that is. The second is to imagine myself succeeding, rather than failing. I imagine myself having fun, laughing or whatever I deem as being successful in that particular social environment. I'm not saying this helps when it comes to crunch time, but it certainly helps in the lead up to the event.

Anyway, back to my original point. We were having lunch today, I was fairly comfortable but quiet. I could live with that. After a while though, something changed in my head, like a switch being flicked, and I found myself outside of the conversation.

I was trying to follow the conversation, listening to what was being said. My colleagues might as well have been speaking Swahili though. I understood the words, but could not comprehend what was being said – what point what being made. This made me feel massively uncomfortable and I had to dash off to the toilet to compose myself.

This is not new to me. When it happens I feel as though my head is completely empty, I find myself just staring at people as they talk. Their words don't register and as such I'm unable to find a response. I miss social cues, such as when to laugh, or respond. I fidget around awkwardly. I'm, unable to maintain eye-contact. All the time, I'm aware that this is happening, and try to make a conscious effort to listen, but it's impossible. I've noticed that It get's worse when it's a group conversation, since I feel others are aware that I'm not listening, and are aware that I'm highly uncomfortable and suddenly, in my mind, all eyes are on me.

It's my opinion that this happens due to being either highly anxious, or highly self-conscious. I'm either too anxious to take on any information, or I'm so self-conscious at the time, that my focus is elsewhere, even when I make a conscious effort to listen. Either way it's tough to overcome. The only coping strategy I can think of, is to briefly escape the situation, collect myself and then return in a hopefully, more receptive state.

I've had mixed luck with this, sometimes returning more composed and relaxed, sometimes returning in the exact same state. At least I had a break from the awkwardness though, right!?

If you've experienced anything similar to this, I'd love to hear from you, just leave a comment and I'll be in touch. I'd be particularly interested to hear if you have any coping mechanisms of your own. I'm also particularly interested to hear your thoughts on our ability to listen to what is being said, to follow conversations and how much this contributes to social anxiety.

Anyway, all things said, with the exception of a few minutes, the lunch went well. As I'm writing this, I'm actively resisting the urge to have the bog-standard social-anxiety response of dwelling on the negatives; convincing myself that it was some sort of disaster. I went to a pub, had lunch, had a conversation, got slightly anxious and then returned to work. What;s the big deal?

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Social anxiety and lads holidays.

For someone with social anxiety, going on a lads holiday sounds like a living nightmare. I would know, I've just been on a week long stag-do in Ibiza. If you're interested in how it went, or if you're going on a lads holiday yourself and want to know what to expect, then read on!

I'll start off by saying I had one, and only one coping mechanism for the week. A single strategy to carry me through. Alcohol - lots of it. And to some extent it worked. It's important for me to point out that I don't necessarily recommend this as a strategy to anyone else though. Drinking for long periods of time is heavy on the body (and mind). I still feel ill 4 days later, and will probably still feel ill for another couple of days. Something to consider.

Below you'll find a quick description of the holiday, followed by what I think are the good points and bad points of going on a lads holiday with social anxiety.

The holiday

We left for the airport at 2am and we surely started off as we meant to go on. Drinking. Well all but the driver, of course! Now, for me this part didn't cause too much anxiety, I was with 3 close friends in an enclosed space, but that's something I can deal with these days. Especially when accompanied by my old friend alcohol. The drive lasted 2 hours, and by the time we reached the airport we were well oiled.

The airport was slightly more uncomfortable. Once you check in, there is a normally a period of around 2 hours before you board the plane. We filled the time by sitting in a pub, For me, pubs are an anxious place. People everywhere, lots of eye contact, and of course people overstepping social boundaries. Luckily, as I said earlier I was pretty tipsy by this point, so was feeling pretty comfortable and was enjoying myself.

Anyway, we finally boarded after a few more drinks and after a couple of hours on the plane we landed in Ibiza. At this point I would normally expect to be hugely uncomfortable... an unfamiliar location coupled with not knowing what to expect can be daunting to a SA sufferer. Again alcohol saved the day, I was just happy to have landed and was looking forward to enjoying myself. I don't know what it is about the drink, but it seems to completely(albeit temporarily) cure my social anxiety. 

After a little while we arrived at our hotel. A huge place, full of a wide range of people. Other stags, couples, families and even the odd coffin dodger. We dumped our stuff off at the room and headed down to the pool where we were immediately greeted by a group of hens who we spent the rest of the evening with. It's at this stage i'd normally make my excuses and escape, but again I was completely in my element thanks to the drink. Notice a pattern yet?

That evening was a heavy one, I woke up the next day being able to remember very little. What I did know though was that the affects of the alcohol were dwindling. I remember being distinctly aware of how uncomfortable I am around even close friends when hungover (I can't even manage to get a word out, which in turn increases anxiety), and being stuck in the room with one of those friends, I decided to do something about it. It was 8am, I left the hotel alone, found an open pub and drank until I felt comfortable again. The rest of the holiday went on exactly this way. And believe me, it took it's toll!

Now, I don't advise using alcohol to treat SA, and have discussed this in previous posts. But I certainly understand the lure, and understand why people do it. I know one thing for certain, without alcohol I wouldn't have went on this holiday. I wouldn't have had the time of my life, and on top of that, I'd probably be sitting here now feeling guilty for not attending my friends stag-do. It's a lose-lose situation.

Anyway, if you are considering going on a lads holiday yourself, maybe the positives and negatives below can help you decided whether to go or not.

Bad points

• Travel - being stuck in enclosed places for hours at a time with groups of people is always going to be tough with social anxiety.
• You can't escape - Once you're in a foreign country, it's not easy to escape. Normally you can just make your excuses and leave, but it isn't that simple when away.
• Increased anxiety from alcohol (or drugs) - It's no secret how much alcohol people drink when away, or that drugs are available. Both can lead to increased anxiety.
• Room sharing - It's likely you'll be sharing a room with one or multiple friends. You've got company permanently which can get tiring.

Good points

• It's awesome - Really, if you can find a crutch (alcohol is mine) you may just have the time of your life.
• Bonding - You'll be closer to your friends after sharing this type of experience.
• Alcohol - It's socially acceptable to be drunk at pretty much anytime of day in party locations. If alcohol cures your SA, you can hide behind it.

In conclusion, going on a lads holiday with social anxiety is going to be tough. There's going to be low times, but if you can somehow drag yourself through it, you may just have an awesome time and make some good memories. It's a change from normality, and I believe this to be a good thing, especially for SA sufferers who I believe to live very mundane/repetitive lives (I know I do, normally).

If you're like me, you're going to be alcohol dependent for pretty much the entire holiday and this can take a toll on your body. Drinking for large periods of time is unhealthy and can cause serious (and lasting) damage; it can also lead to bad habits, or lead to dependence when you return home. The way I look at it though, is that if I'm only using it temporarily it's not too much of a problem. And for me, at this stage in my life, the risks are worth the enjoyment and memories.

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